Wide Awake

How do I even put into words what my heart has been experiencing all throughout. The overflowing pain I have felt for a very long time, the sleepless nights, bulgy eyes, rivers of tears. I can’t seem to describe how painful it was but one thing is for sure. When you got your heart broken, it’s more than the physical pain. Believe me, it is something no medicine can cure. No type of surgery can patch it all up for you. This is the kind of circumstance you would want to avoid. ‘Cause if it hits you, it hits you hard. No one on earth had their heart broken today and works perfectly fine the very next day. We will all go through the process of picking it all up, patching, dusting it off and putting it back. It wouldn’t work perfectly fine just like it did before. But, we try a little harder. We try our best to make it work or else the world will keep turning and we are stuck.

Life is beautiful but it is a journey. Journeys are never said to be easy, happy and sunny all the time unlike what children’s books used to describe it. Believe me, I’ve been through a lot. Well, getting your heart broken because of some stupid guy is one thing. But it doesn’t really mean that it is the only reason. There are tons of reason to have your heart broken. Here are some:

  1. Failed relationships. May it be in the family, or a friend, or your not meant to be ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriend. God made us for relationships. Remember the old saying “No man is an island”. Yes, because God made us with love. So, we do the same. We need love. Our being are made for it. Some people go after crumbs of love. They settle for it rather than having none. Because, it is the reality. People would always seek love, attention just to feel important. To have that connection.
  2. Reciprocal Efforts. Always expecting that people would do the same for you. Expecting everyone to do what you can do. Well, maybe you are the type of person who can move mountains and cross rivers for people whom you truly love. But, always remember they are not you. Yes, you can do it for them. But don’t expect them to reciprocate the efforts. ‘Cause first of all, they didn’t asked for that. Second, maybe it is your love language but it is not theirs. Third, you may not know but for them it isn’t the best effort they’ve received. Everybody is different, the way they do things, they express, just way too different from each other. It may look the same but there would always be a fine line that distinguishes the other from the other.
  3. Not letting go and not letting God.  We live by faith and not by sight. Yes, we are given the freedom to decide on what we want, and how we do things. But as Christians, we know what the father wants. What our lives meant, why we live on this earth. We seldom forget who we are and where we stand as Christians. We rush into things we are not sure, we always follow our deceitful heart. We seldom forget eternity and we think that this life on earth, the earthly things really mattered. And, when we are in trouble, when we are cringing in pain, we call for God. We even asked God “why us?” When in the first place, we don’t have that right. We brought this to ourselves. This is what happens when we rush things and when we don’t wait on Him. When we don’t listen and walk with Him. The vulnerability of pain is higher than what we expect.

Everything I’ve been through is none compare to the joy that is coming. (Romans 8:18) I’ve learned a lot of things from the heartaches caused by people who didn’t see my worth. I’ve wasted my time, energy and resources to things that doesn’t really matter eternity. I ran after a person whom I thought could make me feel complete. When all I did was to look up and see that what He did for me was more than enough. Series of sleepless nights, unending questions of self-worth and torture of oneself. Thinking whether if it’s enough or not. If you should give up or fight for it. If it was your fault, where it went wrong. How did it come to this. How did it end like this. They are so many what-ifs. Yeah, I may have given myself away for a hundred of times. Treated myself like a rug, acted like a fool. But, not anymore. I am wide awake, fully awake from the nightmare of yesterday. I’m wide awake from brokenness and pain. Fully awake, I am no longer haunted by ugly memories nor flashbacks of yore. 


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s